Topical Jokes

2021-11-06

No toilet for returning SpaceX crew, stuck using diapers. Despite the toilet going through extensive R&D, the crew will now have to use A&D.

No toilet for returning SpaceX crew, stuck using diapers. Making this worse is the face that none of the crew can stay on their backs long enough to be changed.

2021-10-29

In the middle of a crisis, Facebook Inc. renames itself Meta. When asked what Facebook should change it’s name to, Kanye who now goes by Ye, said “ook”.

Exxon CEO denies spreading disinformation on climate change. His defense is claiming that once something like that leaks, it’s very hard to clean up.

2021-10-16

A Japanese billionaire gets ready for a December space mission. It makes sense why a billionaire would want to go to space, because space is the furthest you can be out of touch.

QAnon figure says he’s running for Congress in Arizona. Even though his constituency is in AZ, he’ll only be listening to anonymous people on the internet.

A court ruled that a town must turn over emails to a gas pipeline builder. If the pipeline builder wants to have good luck, he must pass those emails along to ten people.

The Nebraska Attorney General ruled that doctors can prescribe controversial COVID drugs. This is great news if you’re a mare with worms.

Seattle schools suspending over 100 bus routes. Now teens will be even more tired and depressed at school.

Sandwich-themed New Orleans festival put off due to COVID-19. Festival goers will have to settle at home for a PB&J on two end pieces.

Hong Kong seizes smuggled Australian lobsters amid China ban. The lobsters were discovered in an Outback.

2021-10-15

Microsoft is shutting down the LinkedIn app in China amid scrutiny. Millions of Chinese people will now have to rely on networking at dangerous factories.

The USA Luge team took their 1st runs of the season on Lake Placid track. Because of climate change the athletes optwere able to make it easily down the slide and into the splash pool.

Shredded Banksy artwork sells for $25.4 million at auction. Which means by now my cat is trying to sell my couch.

China set to send 3 astronauts on the longest crewed mission yet. The crew is expected to be in space for 6 months, which is how long it took William Shatner to get into his spacesuit.

Harvard’s largest-in-the-nation endowment surpasses $53B. Which will almost cover a year’s tuition.

‘As seen on TikTok’ is the new ‘As seen on TV’. One person you won’t see on TikTok is Billy Mays.

2021-10-14

Chicago police union head urges cops to defy vaccine mandate. The union head said that we have a strict “Say No to Drugs” policy.

Social Security checks are getting a big boost as inflation rises. Seniors will finally be able to choose 2 of their needed prescriptions.

Winter heating bills are set to jump as inflation hits home. So if the recent gas scare has taught us anything, it’s that now is the time to start filling trash bags with heating oil.

California bullet train’s latest hurdle is: Will it be high speed? The train will be downgraded from a bullet train to a paper football train.

Idaho lawmaker posts meme appearing to advocate violence. Most people were shocked to learn that an Idaho lawmaker knew how to post a meme.

The US talks about global cybersecurity without Russia. Which is like talking about Batman without mentioning the Joker.

A Danish artist wants a Hong Kong sculpture back as the deadline passes. The sculpture, which has been abroad for 24 years, doesn’t want to move back in with its Dad.

2021-10-13

Swiss unveil VR software of universe. The engineers behind it also included a warning for anyone on mushrooms.

FDA authorizes first e-cigarette, cites benefit for smokers. Doctors from the 1930s are relieved to start prescribing smoking again.

Shatner, 90, inspires with a real-life space trip. Now every 90 year old rich white male from TV will want to go to space.

MacKenzie Scott gifts help bolster nonprofit infrastructure. Further proving her case for irreconcilable differences.

Big Island bikeshare program thriving despite pandemic. Proving that people are so bored that they’re willing to exercise.

Nearly 90 tangled rattlesnakes were removed from beneath a woman’s house. The woman said she can finally get back to breeding mice under her house.

Elk freed from tire around its neck. The elk is doing well despite losing respect among his peer group.

A new study shows that some consumers may never go back to their pre-pandemic spending habits. People have realized that buying 200 rolls of toilet paper wasn’t enough.

2021-10-12

Southwest cancels hundreds more flights; passengers stranded. It’s part of Southwest’s new marketing slogan: “You are now free to move about the country, but good luck getting home.”

World swim body aims for more integrity, better marketing. The World swim body doesn’t expect many proposals citing a shallow applicant pool.

Israeli archaeologists discover an ancient winemaking complex. The discovery came after the archaeologists found several empty boxes of Franzia.

App designed to save lives not popular with Florida teachers. The app maker shouldn’t feel bad being unpopular with FL teachers since there’s also a vaccine designed to save lives.

2021-10-10

Facebook will now ban the sale of protected Amazon rainforest land on Marketplace. Since the rainforest is huge, sellers reported being tired of replying “yes it’s available”.

Google Maps will now help travelers find the most eco-friendly route. Travelers who want to go from NYC to Boston have the option of riding a bike for 22 hours.

Another company is offering edge-of-space balloon trips for $50,000. That sounds like a good deal compared to other space rides until you realize it’s 4 military balloons and a lawn chair.

2021-10-09

A recent poll shows that Americans agree misinformation is a problem. Another poll finds that Americans also agree that problems are the problem.

Smart robots are set to do all the work at Nissan’s ‘intelligent’ plant. Which is amazing until you realize a robot will have to restock the vending machine.

California governor vetoes bill to pay people to stay sober. After which the Governor celebrated with a Four Loco.

2021-10-07

Nashville files lawsuit to shut down a hot tub party vehicle. The owners are experimenting with their new idea: helicopter pool parties.