Topical Jokes

2021-05-27

Biden orders more investigation into COVID origin. Most villains don’t get an origin story until the third episode.

There’s a 40% chance earth will be hotter than the Paris plan. Which, I don’t know if that’s possible given Paris’ fashion industry.

2021-05-26

Belarusian leader defends his action to divert flight to detain an opposition figure. The only other time flights get changed last minute, is when you’re flying American Airlines.

2021-05-25

The judge in the Epic trial began reviewing the Apple app store policies. It didn’t take her very long to scroll to the bottom and check “I Agree”.

2021-05-24

Japan opens mass vaccination sites 2 months before summer games. The first event will be a 100 meter sprint to the vaccination site.

Phil Mickelson won the top PGA tournament at age 50 to become the oldest champion. He’s still not eligible to play at the 55+ communities.

A Belarus opposition figure was detained when his flight diverted. Freedom of speech. The man apparently couldn’t fit his views into the overhead storage of the Belarus gov.

A school’s yearbook photos of girls were altered to hide chests with a black bar. Next year the school’s photos will be just black boxes.

2021-05-21

The state of NY is offering a $5 million lottery for people who are newly vaccinated. When Gov Cuomo was asked if he had a hand in this, he said it was just a friendly touch.

2021-05-20

Gas company Colonial Pipeline confirms ransomware payment of 4.4 mil. The original price was lower but the company added 2 scratch offs at the register.

Reemerging cicadas offer opportunities to cooks. Now no one will notice the fly in the soup.

2021-05-19

Famed landmark Darwin’s arch collapses into sea. So in the next 50,000 years, Scientists are expecting the arch to begin walking upright on land.

Biden test drove the new Ford electric F-150 truck. After which both needed a recharge.

Apple’s head of software admits Macs have an unacceptable amount of malware. Some of these virus are almost the same as the ones on PCs, just with better graphics.

2021-05-18

An inspector was fired for twice passing over a crack in a Mississippi bridge. The inspector has since apologized saying that I’m more of a meth guy.

An Irish health systems struggling to recover after cyberattack. Hackers are demanding a ransom of a pot of gold.

2021-05-17

Australia’s oldest man recommends eating chicken brains as the secret to longevity. It must be working since so far he’s outlived every chicken he’s eaten.

Cedar Rapids, MI is set to turn “city of stumps” into “tree oasis”. Coincidentally, “City of Stumps” is the title of the next Saw movie.

Scientists have found that sharks use earth’s magnetic field for GPS. Further proving that no one uses a separate GPS anymore.

2021-05-14

The maker of expensive toasters, Balmuda, is getting into the Android phone market. Sorry Balmuda, Samsung already beat you to the toaster/phone hybrid.

The CDC said that vaccinated people can largely ditch masks. Which leaves me wondering what to do with all these Godzilla masks.