According to a new study, shy raccoons learn more easily than bolder ones. However, bolder raccoons are more likely to date your girlfriend.

Health officials had to warn people about possible rabies exposure after a woman came into a North Dakota bar carrying a raccoon. The owners were tipped off when the bathroom trash was empty.

Archaeologists in Georgia have found a 1.8-million-year-old tooth belonging to an early species of human. No word on finding the door and string which removed the tooth.

A book of Rush Limbaugh’s radio commentary is set to be published. Giving mass shooters yet another source they need to cite in their manifesto.

Exxon CEO denies spreading disinformation on climate change. His defense is claiming that once something like that leaks, it’s very hard to clean up.

Microsoft is shutting down the LinkedIn app in China amid scrutiny. Millions of Chinese people will now have to rely on networking at dangerous factories.

Social Security checks are getting a big boost as inflation rises. Seniors will finally be able to choose 2 of their needed prescriptions.

Winter heating bills are set to jump as inflation hits home. So if the recent gas scare has taught us anything, it’s that now is the time to start filling trash bags with heating oil.

The EU demands a single plug for phones. Fathers everywhere will be forced to throw out the old box of cords.

Researchers complete first-ever detailed map of global coral. To accurately depict how the coral is changing on the map, they used vanishing ink.

Honolulu will require a vaccine or negative test at restaurants. The restaurants however, still won’t require shirts or shoes.

Farmhands are ready to battle in Farmer Olympics. The first event will be waking at 4 am to apply for government aid.

Asian giant hornet nest destroyed in Washington state. Bad news is that the hornets already have booked everything on Airbnb.

Disney reaches a vaccination agreement with union workers. The hardest worker to convince was Gaston.

German train drivers are on second two-day strike this month. Both sides are hoping to be soon back on track.

Colorado City says police ties to polygamous group are past. So now they’ll no longer be able to use their slogan “a cop in the streets and a Latter Day Saint in the sheets”.

Tagged with tracker, Asian giant hornet leads state to nest. Officials say that the small scale sting was a success.

Amazon pushes back the return to office to January due to COVID. Warehouse workers are still wondering when they can go home.

NASCAR to require masks in enclosed areas going forward. Outdoors however, they will still require you to cover your mouth with a Miller Lite.

Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates finalize their divorce. It took a little bit longer than normal to get everything formatted in Word.

Meghan McCain says she is quitting “The View” in late July. Meghan will return back to her previous job, being John McCain’s daughter.

Biden is the 13th president to meet the Queen of England. It seems the Queen finally remembered to redeem her punch card for a free cup of Joe.

Washington state will offer free pot for getting the vaccine. Organizers are now plagued with getting people to leave after their 15 min wait.

In areas where marijuana is being legalized, police dogs who are trained to sniff out pot are being retired. College RAs will have to be put down though.

The Tokyo Olympics are looking more and more like a fan-free event. Which isn’t much of a change for the sport of race-walking.

Australia’s oldest man recommends eating chicken brains as the secret to longevity. It must be working since so far he’s outlived every chicken he’s eaten.

A positive drug test puts the Kentucky Derby win in jeopardy. The trainer of the winning horse said that the drugs were not used to make the horse run faster, but only used so he could hit 73 home runs.

LA Prosecutors are seeking a 5-ton roman sculpture that was headed for Kim Kardashian’s mansion. Apparently Kim was seeking something to fill the void of Kayne’s ego.

Hyundai is recalling 370K vehicles over possible engine fires. The company said the best way to avoid future car problems is to not buy a Hyundai.

Russia has turned to other countries to start producing the Sputnik COVID vaccine. Russia had to clarify that the vaccine is not a dog in a capsule.

Residents of coastline cities can’t agree on how to pay for the associated costs of rising seas.  When asked for advice, the lost city of Atlantis had no response.

Far right extremists are fracturing into smaller, harder to track groups amid gaining popularity from Capitol riot. If white nationalist groups keep breaking apart, the only thing left will be cracker crumbs.

All Jokes