2021-11-06

No toilet for returning SpaceX crew, stuck using diapers. Despite the toilet going through extensive R&D, the crew will now have to use A&D. No toilet for returning SpaceX crew, stuck using diapers. Making this worse is the face that…

2021-10-29

In the middle of a crisis, Facebook Inc. renames itself Meta. When asked what Facebook should change it’s name to, Kanye who now goes by Ye, said “ook”. Exxon CEO denies spreading disinformation on climate change. His defense is claiming…

2021-10-16

A Japanese billionaire gets ready for a December space mission. It makes sense why a billionaire would want to go to space, because space is the furthest you can be out of touch. QAnon figure says he’s running for Congress…

2021-10-15

Microsoft is shutting down the LinkedIn app in China amid scrutiny. Millions of Chinese people will now have to rely on networking at dangerous factories. The USA Luge team took their 1st runs of the season on Lake Placid track.…

2021-10-14

Chicago police union head urges cops to defy vaccine mandate. The union head said that we have a strict “Say No to Drugs” policy. Social Security checks are getting a big boost as inflation rises. Seniors will finally be able…

2021-10-13

Swiss unveil VR software of universe. The engineers behind it also included a warning for anyone on mushrooms. FDA authorizes first e-cigarette, cites benefit for smokers. Doctors from the 1930s are relieved to start prescribing smoking again. Shatner, 90, inspires…

2021-10-12

Southwest cancels hundreds more flights; passengers stranded. It’s part of Southwest’s new marketing slogan: “You are now free to move about the country, but good luck getting home.” World swim body aims for more integrity, better marketing. The World swim…

2021-10-10

Facebook will now ban the sale of protected Amazon rainforest land on Marketplace. Since the rainforest is huge, sellers reported being tired of replying “yes it’s available”. Google Maps will now help travelers find the most eco-friendly route. Travelers who…

2021-10-09

A recent poll shows that Americans agree misinformation is a problem. Another poll finds that Americans also agree that problems are the problem. Smart robots are set to do all the work at Nissan’s ‘intelligent’ plant. Which is amazing until…

2021-10-07

Nashville files lawsuit to shut down a hot tub party vehicle. The owners are experimenting with their new idea: helicopter pool parties.

2021-10-05

Doctors grow frustrated over COVID-19 denial, misinformation. The doctors were reassured by evolutionists saying that it won’t last forever. New Zealand admits it can no longer get rid of coronavirus. The good news however is that it never had Florida.

2021-10-04

Pat Robertson steps down as host of long-running ’700 Club’. The host said in a briefing that he can no longer host the 700 club because he’s turning 800. Pat Robertson steps down as host of long-running ’700 Club’.  To…

2021-10-01

Man opens emergency door, jumps onto wing of plane in Miami. During the man’s arrest, authorities had to explain to him the meaning of wing-man.  

2021-09-28

Beyond and Impossible are joining a crowded plant-based chicken market. This only comes after the companies failed to make it in the chicken-based plant market. ‘SNL’ is returning with all but one incumbent cast member as well as adding 3…

2021-09-26

Connecticut site allows people to self-exclude from gambling. These people are likely to get nowhere without betting on themselves. Bonus checks bounce for 50 Florida teachers due to error. Turns out that personal budgeting isn’t taught there.

2021-09-24

Boeing to build military aircraft drones in an Australian city. For increased productivity, Boeing thought they needed Men at Work. The EU demands a single plug for phones. Fathers everywhere will be forced to throw out the old box of…

2021-09-22

California now has the nation’s lowest virus transmission rate but on the downside, CA still has the highest podcast transmission rate. Oklahoma man sentenced for illegally performing surgery at a cabin in the woods. The good news is there’s the…

2021-09-09

Researchers complete first-ever detailed map of global coral. To accurately depict how the coral is changing on the map, they used vanishing ink.   IOC suspends North Korea from Beijing Olympics for Tokyo no-show. Leaving single people to wonder if…

2021-09-02

The German central bank is inundated with money damaged in floods. The bank has since stopped accepting bills that were half fives and half tens. Ask for COVID vaccine proof, face a $5,000 fine in Florida but if you don’t…

2021-09-01

Luge moves Lake Placid and Whistler World Cup races to Russia. Which makes sense when you think about how much vodka you have to drink to try luge. US home prices soar at record pace in June. Putting the cost…

2021-08-31

China limits children to 3 hours of online gaming a week but in the US, children are barely able to squeeze in 3 hours between school and dinner. An astronaut gets special ice cream delivery for 50th birthday. The freeze…

2021-08-30

Farmhands are ready to battle in Farmer Olympics. The first event will be waking at 4 am to apply for government aid. Georgia state employees are already using paid parental leave. Which is a nice change from the previous incentive:…

2021-08-27

Al Capone’s favorite gun, personal items head to auction. Some of his personal items might be hard to see at auction, like his syphilis. Georgia gets new math standards, but debut in class may wait. The delay is caused by…

2021-08-26

Delta will charge unvaccinated employees $200 per month. Which seems like a lot until you consider how much it costs to check a bag. Concern about endangered whales cited in suit over wind farm. Experts say there’s very little cause…

2021-08-25

Disney reaches a vaccination agreement with union workers. The hardest worker to convince was Gaston. Kanye West asks court to legally change his name to Ye. West is one more conceded thought away from changing it to Ye Majesty. Kanye…

2021-08-24

Kathy Hochul becomes New York’s first female governor. Part of Hochul’s redecorating process after the Cuomo administration, will be to remove all the writing on the walls. The US warns about swimming at beaches in El Salvador. The rip tide…

2021-08-23

Colorado City says police ties to polygamous group are past. So now they’ll no longer be able to use their slogan “a cop in the streets and a Latter Day Saint in the sheets”. Penguins missing visitors, say keepers, at…

2021-08-22

A rock band cancels their concert over Iowa’s vaccine passport ban. The band didn’t want anyone one to suffer from COVID, just hearing damage. Portland preps for expected protests between opposing groups. Luckily the 2 groups will always find common…

2021-09-21

Some in Flat Rock who evacuated after a gas leak can return. Thankfully no one was injured, but everyone seems to blame the new Chipotle. Wildlife officials confiscated 157 doves after an illegal hunt. The hunters learned their lesson after…

2021-08-20

Tech billionaire gives a New Hampshire hermit $180,000. The hermit was shocked and said “who needs a billion dollars?” Hong Kong grants quarantine exemption to Nicole Kidman. Speculation is that the exception is for a movie, but Kidman says that’s…

2021-08-19

Woman comes face-to-face with a snake in an Australian supermarket. Security had to be called because the woman and snake were after the same avocado.

2021-08-18

Archaeologists find a skeleton and evidence of Greek in Pompeii. Experts say it was easy to determine the skeleton was Greek because it was holding an empty container of Chobani. Taliban vow to respect women, despite history of oppression. They…

2021-08-10

Fake COVID-19 vaccination cards worry college officials. They should be easy to spot by just looking for the New Jersey ones.

2021-08-08

Biden praises Olympians for inspiring Americans with courage. Those who were inspired however, pulled a muscle going from the couch to the fridge. In ROC disguise, Russia has plenty to celebrate at the Olympics. Namely that their horrible disguise fooled…

2021-08-07

Google founder gets New Zealand residency, raising questions. Many of those questions could be answered by just googling it. Arizona state senator accused of sexual conduct with a minor.  Upon hearing this Catholic cardinals are reconsidering their careers. US probes…

2021-08-06

Amazon pushes back the return to office to January due to COVID. Warehouse workers are still wondering when they can return home. CNN fires three employees for coming to work unvaccinated. They were however able to get new jobs at…

2021-08-05

Sturgis bike rally revs back bigger, despite virus variant. Which is good because you used to only be able to be killed by PCP or a stabbing. Pope resumes public audiences a month after major surgery. The pope is set…

2021-08-04

Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates finalize their divorce. It took a little bit longer than normal to get everything formatted correctly in Word. Massachusetts cop fired over improper use of database to look up women. Apparently he had trouble…

2021-08-03

‘Bubble man’ roams San Francisco streets, bringing joy to others. Proving that there is hope for those with overbearing mothers. A Spanish startup is eyeing the mass market with 3D printed ‘steaks’. The company decided there aren’t enough steak-shaped hamburgers.

2021-08-02

MTV is marking its 40th anniversary with a new ‘Moon Person’ design. The new moon person is sporting a hearing aid and a walker. Square to buy installment payment firm Afterpay in $29B deal. Lucky for Square it’ll just be…

2021-07-02

Meghan McCain says she is quitting “The View” in late July. Meghan will return back to her previous job, being John McCain’s daughter.

2021-07-01

NCAA clears way for athlete compensation as state laws loom. Now college athletes will finally get the payday they deserve and the education on taxes they need.

2021-06-29

A supermarket chain says polish workers found cocaine in banana boxes. Bananas are on sale right now for $.69 a kilo. Free meat for a year offered in JBS vaccine sweepstakes. If you’re vegetarian, you’re out of chuck Free meat…

2021-06-28

A CA house decorated like the Flintstones house wins lawsuit and can stay as is. Which is a relief to the owners since it’s so hard to shoo away dinosaurs  Bruce Springsteen marks the return to Broadway for 1st live…

2021-06-21

Taylor Swift’s Dad says he still has guitar picks from her “Red” tour if needed. Proving once again that dads will hold on to anything that could be useful in the future.

2021-06-20

Brothers set record crossing large gap in park on highline. Prior to starting their mother had to settle the argument of who went first. Victoria Secret is ditching the “Angels” campaign.  Tattoo parlors see sharp decline in angel wing tattoos.…

2021-06-12

A lobster diver survives after nearly being eaten by a humpback whale. Experts say that the whale was out to krill. The FBI is taking on sexual harassment in the ranks. Agents are finally being told to lose the Female…

2021-06-11

Biden is the 13th president to meet the Queen of England. It seems the Queen finally remembered to redeem her punch card for a free cup of Joe.

2021-06-10

A wedding boom is happening in the US and vendors are trying to keep up. Typical wedding dresses are in high demand, but there seems to be a surplus of dresses made from cicada shells. Washington state will offer free…

2021-06-09

Gucci will offer digital handbags, sunglasses, and hats on gaming platform Roblox. So just like that gym membership last year, you can once again overpay for something you can’t actually use. Many of the super rich paid next to no…

2021-06-07

A Turkish mafia boss dishes dirt on his YouTube channel, making it easier to find out how to make cement shoes.

2021-06-06

Dozens of tourists fined after taking 200lbs of sand from Italian beaches. Carrying 200lbs sounds like a lot, but that’s low for a pair of swim trunks.

2021-06-04

North Atlantic whales are getting smaller, getting on average 3 feet shorter than whales 20 years ago. With the onset of global warming, the whales can’t even blame the shrinkage on cold water.

2021-06-03

The New York subway was breached by hackers in April. The subway’s computer security was nothing more than a turnstile. A herd of wild elephants reached a Chinese city after a 300 mile journey. Apparently, this is the inspiration of…

2021-06-02

Amazon won’t test workers for pot. Apparently, it was hard for workers to give a sample when they’re always peeing in bottles. CA teen shoves a bear off ledge to protect dogs in backyard. If this teen can shove a…

2021-06-01

J&J asks a high court to void the $2B talc verdict. J&J claims that the verdict gives them a rash on their tushies. China is easing birthing limits further to cope with an aging society. So you can expect a…

2021-05-30

In areas where marijuana is being legalized, police dogs who are trained to sniff out pot are being retired. College RAs will have to be put down though. Egypt bets on ancient finds to pull tourism out of the pandemic.…

2021-05-29

The Tokyo Olympics are looking more and more like a fan-free event. Which isn’t much of a change for the sport of race-walking. The average pay rose to $12.7M for S&P 500 CEOs during the pandemic. Glad to see all…

2021-05-28

Marjorie Taylor Greene says she and Matt Gaetz are “Taking Charge” amid GOP “Civil War”. Greene says she will take on Jewish relations while Gaetz will handle teen outreach. Navigation errors send NASA’s mars helicopter on a wild ride. Which…

2021-05-27

Biden orders more investigation into COVID origin. Most villains don’t get an origin story until the third episode. There’s a 40% chance earth will be hotter than the Paris plan. Which, I don’t know if that’s possible given Paris’ fashion…

2021-05-26

Belarusian leader defends his action to divert flight to detain an opposition figure. The only other time flights get changed last minute, is when you’re flying American Airlines.

2021-05-25

The judge in the Epic trial began reviewing the Apple app store policies. It didn’t take her very long to scroll to the bottom and check “I Agree”.

2021-05-24

Japan opens mass vaccination sites 2 months before summer games. The first event will be a 100 meter sprint to the vaccination site. Phil Mickelson won the top PGA tournament at age 50 to become the oldest champion. He’s still…

2021-05-21

The state of NY is offering a $5 million lottery for people who are newly vaccinated. When Gov Cuomo was asked if he had a hand in this, he said it was just a friendly touch.

2021-05-20

Gas company Colonial Pipeline confirms ransomware payment of 4.4 mil. The original price was lower but the company added 2 scratch offs at the register. Reemerging cicadas offer opportunities to cooks. Now no one will notice the fly in the…

2021-05-19

Famed landmark Darwin’s arch collapses into sea. So in the next 50,000 years, Scientists are expecting the arch to begin walking upright on land. Biden test drove the new Ford electric F-150 truck. After which both needed a recharge. Apple’s…

2021-05-18

An inspector was fired for twice passing over a crack in a Mississippi bridge. The inspector has since apologized saying that I’m more of a meth guy. An Irish health systems struggling to recover after cyberattack. Hackers are demanding a…

2021-05-17

Australia’s oldest man recommends eating chicken brains as the secret to longevity. It must be working since so far he’s outlived every chicken he’s eaten. Cedar Rapids, MI is set to turn “city of stumps” into “tree oasis”. Coincidentally, “City…

2021-05-14

The maker of expensive toasters, Balmuda, is getting into the Android phone market. Sorry Balmuda, Samsung already beat you to the toaster/phone hybrid. The CDC said that vaccinated people can largely ditch masks. Which leaves me wondering what to do…

2021-05-13

Ohio will offer a lottery to those who are vaccinated. Winners will be presented with a novelty size vaccination card. Liz Cheney is no longer 3rd on the list for leadership within the GOP. Fortunately, this clearly puts her at…

2021-05-12

The COVID pet boom has vets backlogged and burned out. Finally, your pets can have the same experience that you do. Gas stations report shortages as pipeline shutdown drags on. Unfortunately, one thing there isn’t a shortage of, is gas…

2021-05-11

A NASA Spacecraft begins it’s 2-year journey home with meteorite rocks. Dad’s everywhere are using this as an example. “You guys got your pet rocks? Good. We got a long way to go. No stops for the bathroom.” NBC says…

2021-05-09

A positive drug test puts the Kentucky Derby win in jeopardy. The trainer of the winning horse said that the drugs were not used to make the horse run faster, but only used so he could hit 73 home runs.

2021-05-06

LA Prosecutors are seeking a 5-ton roman sculpture that was headed for Kim Kardashian’s mansion. Apparently Kim was seeking something to fill the void of Kayne’s ego.

2021-05-05

Hyundai is recalling 370K vehicles over possible engine fires. The company said the best way to avoid future car problems is to not buy a Hyundai.

2021-05-04

The EPA is set to begin phasing out refrigerant gases. In a public statement Rudy Giuliani said that his gas has always been refrigerant-free.

2021-05-03

Russia has turned to other countries to start producing the Sputnik COVID vaccine. In the directions though Russia had to clarify that the vaccine is not a dog in a capsule.

2021-03-27

The GOP is trying to restrict voting in Georgia by not allowing people waiting in line to vote, to accept food or water. When this doesn’t work, the GOP will reverse course and offer them water from cannons.

2021-03-18

Maggot infested cheese is listed in the Guinness Book of World records world’s most dangerous cheese. Call me old fashioned, but I always believed the most dangerous cheese was an over microwaved jar of Cheese Whiz.

2021-03-15

Residents of coastline cities can’t agree on how to pay for the associated costs of rising seas.  When asked for advice, the lost city of Atlantis had no response.

2021-03-07

Amid reports of sexual harassment and his handling of COVID in nursing homes, NY governor Andrew Cuomo who is normally very visible in the public eye, has recently been unresponsive to phone calls. Apparently the only phone calls he is…

2021-03-02

Far right extremists are fracturing into smaller, harder to track groups amid gaining popularity from Capitol riot. If white nationalist groups keep breaking apart, the only thing left will be cracker crumbs. A guest at a wedding reception was left…