Topical Jokes

2021-08-31

China limits children to 3 hours of online gaming a week but in the US, children are barely able to squeeze in 3 hours between school and dinner.

An astronaut gets special ice cream delivery for 50th birthday. The freeze dried ice cream still had the price tag from the science center’s gift shop on it.

Honolulu will require a vaccine or negative test at restaurants. However, restaurants still won’t require shirts or shoes.

Two NJ prison guards indicted on assault charges. The guards are asking to be imprisoned elsewhere since there is a high level of assault.

Man sent to prison for stealing from caddie college fund. Which is terrible considering caddies can’t even afford to play golf.

2021-08-30

Farmhands are ready to battle in Farmer Olympics. The first event will be waking at 4 am to apply for government aid.

Georgia state employees are already using paid parental leave. Which is a nice change from the previous incentive: paid parental stay.

Schools are struggling to pay for upgraded ventilation systems. Sounds like someone could have used a personal budgeting class in school.

SpaceX launches ants, avocados, and a robot to the space station. Astronauts aboard the space station can’t remember asking for more dissimilar things.

2021-08-27

Al Capone’s favorite gun, personal items head to auction. Some of his personal items might be hard to see at auction, like his syphilis.

Georgia gets new math standards, but debut in class may wait. The delay is caused by substitutes not wanting to start anything new.

Southwest trims schedule in effort to solve flight problems. The good news is that you don’t have to fly Spirit yet.

Southwest trims schedule in effort to solve flight problems. American Airlines on the other hand expands their schedule just to cause flight problems.

Apple loosens app store payment rules in lawsuit settlement. Apple execs are upset about the potential loss of revenue and new yachts.

Nevada man wins $1 million in vaccine jackpot. With that much money in Nevada you could fill a swimming pool with 1 dollar bills, or water.

Asian giant hornet nest destroyed in Washington state. Bad news is that you can no longer book the nest on Airbnb.

Asian giant hornet nest destroyed in Washington state. Bad news is that the hornets have booked everything on Airbnb.

Maine museum to host a large chunk of Mars rock. Maine residents said, “don’t we have enough rocks?”

2021-08-26

Delta will charge unvaccinated employees $200 per month. Which seems like a lot until you consider how much it costs to check a bag.

Concern about endangered whales cited in suit over wind farm. Experts say there’s very little cause for concern since whales don’t have wings.

A Sheriff is not disciplining staff who came to work with COVID. The sheriff also said that they will also no longer be arresting murderers. 

Spain tightens fertilizer rules after dead fish clog lagoon. They don’t need to tighten the rules but just get a bigger plunger.

Fukushima nuclear water to be released via undersea tunnel. They should realize that this a perfect breeding ground for Godzillas.

Conservative hoaxers face $5.1M fine for election robocalls. A more fitting punishment would be for  them to receive all those robocalls.

West Virginia mayor seeks $500 for vaccinated workers. Leaving many state employees wondering if that’s still too much work.

Feds report most rental assistance has still not gone out. Renters will have to avoid their neighbors at their mailboxes even longer.

2021-08-25

Disney reaches a vaccination agreement with union workers. The hardest worker to convince was Gaston.

Kanye West asks court to legally change his name to Ye. West is one more conceded thought away from changing it to Ye Majesty.

Kanye West’s Chicago concert won’t require vaccines or negative COVID-19 tests. This is Kayne’s idea of proving ego is at the center of the immune system.

A cell phone catches fire on an Alaska Airlines jet upon landing. Experts said they’ve seen this before, saying “where there’s smoke there’s a Samsung galaxy.”

A woman who coughed on market produce and claimed she had the coronavirus, will get jail time.  The woman’s not sure how she got caught, but suspects it was a leek.

Hochul vows swift action as she takes the helm in New York. To remove everything Cuomo left behind, she’ll also need to take Swiffer action.

2021-08-24

Kathy Hochul becomes New York’s first female governor. Part of Hochul’s redecorating process after the Cuomo administration, will be to remove all the writing on the walls.

The US warns about swimming at beaches in El Salvador. The rip tide is so bad they’re recommending wearing 2 pairs of swim trunks even if you don’t get in the water.

German train drivers are on second two-day strike this month. Both sides are hoping to be soon back on track. 

2021-08-23

Colorado City says police ties to polygamous group are past. So now they’ll no longer be able to use their slogan “a cop in the streets and a Latter Day Saint in the sheets”.

Penguins missing visitors, say keepers, at locked-down Thai Zoo. They’re so lonely like us that they’ve also resorted to using zoo-m.

In Greece a forest fire destroys jobs of pine resin collectors. Unfortunately, they’re now open to hearing about any job pitch.

2021-08-22

A rock band cancels their concert over Iowa’s vaccine passport ban. The band didn’t want anyone one to suffer from COVID, just hearing damage.

Portland preps for expected protests between opposing groups. Luckily the 2 groups will always find common ground on handlebar mustaches.

Thousands march to demand a return of Dutch music festivals. Leaving millions to wonder, “what’s Dutch music?”

A filly escapes a racetrack and runs on Kentucky highway. Police say that the horse was just looking for a joyride and an open high-neigh.

2021-09-21

Some in Flat Rock who evacuated after a gas leak can return. Thankfully no one was injured, but everyone seems to blame the new Chipotle.

Wildlife officials confiscated 157 doves after an illegal hunt. The hunters learned their lesson after wildlife officials made them sit there and eat all 157 doves. 

2021-08-20

Tech billionaire gives a New Hampshire hermit $180,000. The hermit was shocked and said “who needs a billion dollars?”

Hong Kong grants quarantine exemption to Nicole Kidman. Speculation is that the exception is for a movie, but Kidman says that’s a big little lie.

OnlyFans website to ban ‘sexually explicit’ content. The site is expected to have a sharp decline of users, leaving only fans of the name.

Persephone, the robot guide, leads visitors in a Greek cave. The good news is that there’s a plot for a new horror movie.

Landlords look for an exit amid a federal eviction moratorium. For a while now, tenants have been saying the exit’s broken.

Tagged with tracker, Asian giant hornet leads state to nest. Officials say that the small scale sting was successful.