Topical Jokes

2021-10-05

Doctors grow frustrated over COVID-19 denial, misinformation. The doctors were reassured by evolutionists saying that it won’t last forever.

New Zealand admits it can no longer get rid of coronavirus. The good news however is that it never had Florida.

2021-10-04

Pat Robertson steps down as host of long-running ’700 Club’. The host said in a briefing that he can no longer host the 700 club because he’s turning 800.

Pat Robertson steps down as host of long-running ’700 Club’.  To celebrate Robertson said he’s buying 700 club sandwiches.

Ex-Facebook manager alleges social network fed Capitol riot. The good news is that next Jan 6 Facebook will put together videos celebrating all the new friendships.

Crews race to limit damage from major California oil spill. Afterwards, many restaurant owners went down to the beaches to refill their fryers.

Brief outage in Albuquerque after 2 balloons hit power lines. Luckily no one was physically injured, just one old man’s emotions as he floated away in a house.

2021-10-01

Man opens emergency door, jumps onto wing of plane in Miami. During the man’s arrest, authorities had to explain to him the meaning of wing-man.  

2021-09-28

Beyond and Impossible are joining a crowded plant-based chicken market. This only comes after the companies failed to make it in the chicken-based plant market.

‘SNL’ is returning with all but one incumbent cast member as well as adding 3 new members. There are so many people in the cast now, that Dick Wolf is jealous.

2021-09-26

Connecticut site allows people to self-exclude from gambling. These people are likely to get nowhere without betting on themselves.

Bonus checks bounce for 50 Florida teachers due to error. Turns out that personal budgeting isn’t taught there.

2021-09-24

Boeing to build military aircraft drones in an Australian city. For increased productivity, Boeing thought they needed Men at Work.

The EU demands a single plug for phones. Fathers everywhere will be forced to throw out the old box of cords.

Oldest human footprints in North America found in New Mexico. They were found beside a heart with “Chad + Ashley”

2021-09-22

California now has the nation’s lowest virus transmission rate but on the downside, CA still has the highest podcast transmission rate.

Oklahoma man sentenced for illegally performing surgery at a cabin in the woods. The good news is there’s the inspiration for a new Stephen King book.

Michigan plans 1st US charging road for electric vehicles. The bad news is that no chickens will be able to cross the road.

Michigan budget boosts child care, keeps caregiver pay hike. The downside is that it’ll make the TV feel lonely.

2021-09-09

Researchers complete first-ever detailed map of global coral. To accurately depict how the coral is changing on the map, they used vanishing ink.  

IOC suspends North Korea from Beijing Olympics for Tokyo no-show. Leaving single people to wonder if there’s a way to suspend dates who stood them up.

 

2021-09-02

The German central bank is inundated with money damaged in floods. The bank has since stopped accepting bills that were half fives and half tens.

Ask for COVID vaccine proof, face a $5,000 fine in Florida but if you don’t ask for proof, it might cost you your life.

NYPD officers underreporting use of stop-and-frisk. Proving once again that cops can’t even be trusted to fill out paperwork.

Ex-FBI official accused of claiming hours he didn’t work. The official was caught when he turned in a timesheet for 26 hours per day.

Automaker Stellantis will fill a gap by buying a finance arm. It’s probably going to cost them an arm and a leg.

Gray wolf spotted in Kern County, CA for 1st time in decades. The wolf apparently heard Kayne had a new album.

2021-09-01

Luge moves Lake Placid and Whistler World Cup races to Russia. Which makes sense when you think about how much vodka you have to drink to try luge.

US home prices soar at record pace in June. Putting the cost out of reach for Barbie’s dream house.

Connecticut test scores show students learn better in person. Students typically do better when they copy the answers in person.

Heavy rain from Ida forces Bonnaroo music fest to cancel. I thought heavy rain was a requirement for music festivals.

Mike Richards is out as producer of ‘Jeopardy!’ and ‘Wheel’. Richards is said to be developing a new show called “Wheel of Consequences”.