Health officials had to warn people about possible rabies exposure after a woman came into a North Dakota bar carrying a raccoon. The owners were tipped off when the bathroom trash was empty.

Archaeologists in Georgia have found a 1.8-million-year-old tooth belonging to an early species of human. No word on finding the door and string which removed the tooth.

Archaeologists in Georgia have found a 1.8-million-year-old tooth belonging to an early species of human. To be fair the archaeologist didn’t have to look very hard, but just under a pillow.

Russia’s space chief said that the ISS is dangerous and unfit for purpose. Imagine something being so dangerous, that Russia is calling it unsafe.

FBI agents seized Mike Lindell’s cellphone at a Hardee’s drive thru. The fast food restaurant is now offering a Lindell special which is a large order of lies.

FBI agents seized Mike Lindell’s cellphone at a Hardee’s drive thru. Marking the first time someone knew what they wanted before getting to Hardee’s.

A book of Rush Limbaugh’s radio commentary is set to be published. Giving mass shooters yet another source they have to cite in their manifesto.

A huge line spanning miles to view the Queen’s coffin is forming. If history has taught us anything it’s that the British empire will travel to great lengths to see things laid to waste.

King Charles is under scrutiny after reports that up to 100 staff members could lose their jobs only days after he took the throne. The good news is that no one will know who got fired due to his leaky pen.

The CoComelon franchise is growing to include spin-offs, live tours, and a podcast. The bad news is that now your toddler will also be giving you podcast recommendations.

The CoComelon franchise is growing to include spin-offs, live tours, and a podcast. Leaving parents to wonder if there is a real memory erasing pen from Men in Black.

A Chinese man was trapped aloft in a hydrogen balloon for 2 days after it floated off while he was collecting pine nuts. Richard Branson was quick to mention he did that years ago.

No toilet for returning SpaceX crew, stuck using diapers. Despite the toilet going through extensive R&D, the crew will now have to use A&D.

No toilet for returning SpaceX crew, stuck using diapers. Making this worse is the face that none of the crew can stay on their backs long enough to be changed.

In the middle of a crisis, Facebook Inc. renames itself Meta. When asked what Facebook should change it’s name to, Kanye who now goes by Ye, said “ook”.

Exxon CEO denies spreading disinformation on climate change. His defense is claiming that once something like that leaks, it’s very hard to clean up.

A Japanese billionaire gets ready for a December space mission. It makes sense why a billionaire would want to go to space, because space is the furthest you can be out of touch.

QAnon figure says he’s running for Congress in Arizona. Even though his constituency is in AZ, he’ll only be listening to anonymous people on the internet.

A court ruled that a town must turn over emails to a gas pipeline builder. If the pipeline builder wants to have good luck, he must pass those emails along to ten people.

The Nebraska Attorney General ruled that doctors can prescribe controversial COVID drugs. This is great news if you’re a mare with worms.

Seattle schools suspending over 100 bus routes. Now teens will be even more tired and depressed at school.

Sandwich-themed New Orleans festival put off due to COVID-19. Festival goers will have to settle at home for a PB&J on two end pieces.

Hong Kong seizes smuggled Australian lobsters amid China ban. The lobsters were discovered in an Outback.

Microsoft is shutting down the LinkedIn app in China amid scrutiny. Millions of Chinese people will now have to rely on networking at dangerous factories.

The USA Luge team took their 1st runs of the season on Lake Placid track. Because of climate change the athletes optwere able to make it easily down the slide and into the splash pool.

Shredded Banksy artwork sells for $25.4 million at auction. Which means by now my cat is trying to sell my couch.

China set to send 3 astronauts on the longest crewed mission yet. The crew is expected to be in space for 6 months, which is how long it took William Shatner to get into his spacesuit.

Harvard’s largest-in-the-nation endowment surpasses $53B. Which will almost cover a year’s tuition.

‘As seen on TikTok’ is the new ‘As seen on TV’. One person you won’t see on TikTok is Billy Mays.

Chicago police union head urges cops to defy vaccine mandate. The union head said that we have a strict “Say No to Drugs” policy.

Social Security checks are getting a big boost as inflation rises. Seniors will finally be able to choose 2 of their needed prescriptions.

Winter heating bills are set to jump as inflation hits home. So if the recent gas scare has taught us anything, it’s that now is the time to start filling trash bags with heating oil.

California bullet train’s latest hurdle is: Will it be high speed? The train will be downgraded from a bullet train to a paper football train.

Idaho lawmaker posts meme appearing to advocate violence. Most people were shocked to learn that an Idaho lawmaker knew how to post a meme.

The US talks about global cybersecurity without Russia. Which is like talking about Batman without mentioning the Joker.

A Danish artist wants a Hong Kong sculpture back as the deadline passes. The sculpture, which has been abroad for 24 years, doesn’t want to move back in with its Dad.